No, Juan Pablo, Eeees NOT Okayyy.

Last night was the culmination of what has "hooked" millions of Americans for the last few months. We watched (some yelled) as Juan Pablo made his final decision between the two lovely ladies on The Bachelor.

Here's my analysis of the two women. Mind you, I have no actual research to back this up. Instead, I'm simply applying what society defines as "woman's intuition" to digging deep into the true personalities of Clare and Nikki.

Clare. Weeks ago, I watched and scowled at Clare. She pushed her way to sit closest to Juan Pablo, to always be the center of attention. Thinking back, WHY SHOULDN'T SHE? The show was to find love, not a new BFF to go to the mall with lyke omg. I might be speaking for half of the Bachelor-watching population when I say that I wanted to stand and applaud her when she spoke up to good ole' JP when he dumped her, clearly didn't care, and offered a fake consolation hug. You go, girl. Even more props to her for refusing to talk to this poor excuse for a man at the After the Rose show last night. Even so, I can't help but worry that this woman is going to jump on the next man she meets because a) no one can be much worse than Mr. Eeess Okayyy and b) she is desperately waiting for the man to show her father's video to.

Nikki. Nikki was one of my favorites as I watched the ladies step out of the limo on Episode 1. #TeamNikki. But now, I'm not so sure. If it wasn't her inability to put on more than one string of clothes, it's that she's practically blind to the fact that this man has her hypnotized. Last night, she sat basically glued to Juan Pablo's side as all of America questioned their relationship. Sure, they don't need to be in love because it really isn't realistic after that short of a time, but no amount of criticism seemed to affect her. Instead, she maintained a somewhat mannequin-like smile as she clung to her "boyfriend"...or whatever he is.

I'm no Bachelor guru, but it doesn't take a genius to see a jerk when he's right in front of you. Why didn't Juan Pablo realize that two women literally left him during the show? Chris Harrison seems to get along with just about anybody, but not Juan Pablo. Red flag there. And instead of JP's parents depicting him as their "perfect little boy" (as I expect many parents to do with their children), they decided to point out his flaws and urged how stubborn, rudely honest, and kind of lazy he is. Please, whose idea of happily ever after is sitting on a couch watching baseball together for the rest of your life? (Or as Juan Pablo points out, he will be doing that mainly alone. Cool.)

I get that he values honesty, but he takes it to a whole other level. For the women who could see through this, I would high five you if I could. For the ones who fell victim to his honesty and got mesmerized by his fancy accent and obliques, snap out of it, girls. I'm 23. I don't know everything about a relationship. But, I do know that if you're picturing your future with a man, you probably want him to think about it too, instead of just saying "I likeeeee you...you're preeety."

Regardless, maybe Nikki is happy with Juan Pablo. Maybe they're really in love and he's just too stubborn to admit it - I'm sure his mom could agree with that theory. I can't help but say that I would willingly accept bet for a lot of money about the imminent demise of this hopeless, stary-eyed relationship. Until then, good luck Nikki. I hope he grows to be more than a one-dimensional human being who excuses his accent as a language barrier, who doesn't care about anyone but himself, and who continuously reminds everyone at any opportune moment that he has a "daughderrr".

Thank goodness Andi has a brain. Next season of The Bachelorette is bound to be much less painful.